No, I Don't Want Fries With That...and Other Customer Service Irritants

Apologies upfront...I like to keep my posts positive....but enough. I've acquired "customer service rage". For video portrayal, this is how I feel half the time, I walk into stores now (don't worry I won't follow through with it).

One of three things has possibly happened here ..: .1) I've either lost all my civil patience with the conventions of customer service in a big box world, 2) customer service staff motivation has ebbed and we should all give up with localized community shopping and just buy things online or 3) retail owners/managers have no clue what their staff are doing to their business and the inmates are running a wardenless asylum.

Either way, I've had enough and don't want to take this level of  s^%$^&$ervice lieing down. Note to offending retailers - I'm calling you out. Please retailers, save yourself from your own inhumanity and listen up:

1)  The worst - Henry's flagship store in Toronto - routinely some of the worst service I ever experience. I constantly feel like I'm a major inconvenience to the staff, who by and large are self-serving, photo elitists. Case in point - last Friday, I traipsed across the city to get rental equipment, made it within 5 minutes before closing time only to be told by some clerk getting ready for a date that she couldn't process my rental and it would take 15 minutes.  This type of disregard deserves boycotting, to whoever is reading this, there is a much better shop on Queen St. 3 blocks east called Vistek, please shop there and feel like a person again (despite point #6).

2) Tim Horton's on Jane   - last Saturday , I  drive thru the takeout window and am met with a distracted voice, who can't make out my order well (I'm Ok with that, i'll chirp up) but then gruffly orders me to have exact change. No Tim Bit, you have the exact change ...and cheer up, I haven't had my coffee yet.

3) Multiple stores - is there a reason, you have to waste seconds of my life and invade my privacy by nabbing my postal code before I purchase?  Even if for 1 in 100 chances, I got a $5 gift card, I might do it - but there is no reciprocal benefit EVER in me for this exchange.  Stop being a pestulance - next time, forget it  - it's 90210 to all of you.

4) PetroCanada on South Kingsway -   most of the time, I love you guys. You're nice, we sometimes chat, you say "have a good day Mac or Big Guy"  - but when I'm clearly in a hurry for an office meeting, which given Toronto traffic is a frequent occurrence - I don't know how much more poignantly I can put this..."no I don't have a points/miles card...nor do I want one". Please give me a button I can wear, so you don't ever ask me this again. Apologies, I know its your head office that makes you do this guys.

5) Mamma's Pizza on Bloor West - yes, I do love pizzas but no I don't want your expensive pop. You are a destination for good pizza, don't act like I've insulted your mom when I decline your combo deal.

6) Camera's Part II - as much as I received a better experience at Vistek by and large (example #1) , I have no clue about Polaroid cameras.  I have no idea what a Spectra version is vs. the other kind.  I realize at some point I have to order the right kind of film, but if I'm like 99% of the population, I don't know which instant camera you have in stock and what format it takes. Is my "please help a film neophyte" sign crooked? hmm...here let me straighten it...and now help.

7) Bell Business - I'm trying to get phone service for our new office  - please don't play with smoke and mirrors here. Just tell me the straight goods, we're grownups,right - tell me how much is it going to cost, when will people show up, will I need anything else, what are the most frequent options and do I need them ? I can deal with it.  Yes I know this is likely a commissioned call, so if we all play well here, I'll end up satisfied and you'll end up with more cash in your pocket. Instead, I'm trying to cut you out of much money out of the deal because you can't be relied upon to give me straight answers and show up on time.

8) Staples/Busienss Depot - you may think I need those pens at the counter, but you and I both know that I don't, otherwise I would have purchased them.  Now if I was the only person that you asked today or if it was because I had purchased a notebook or diary, I might appreciate it.  But since you also mentioned it to the 12 year old in front of me and the octagenerian behind me, chances are I'm just being herded and upselled like cattle. Keep your pens to yourself.

9) TTC operator (one of the Bloor West stations) - I know sitting behind that glass booth can't be fulfilling and perhaps the sense of separation has got to your head, but to be honest, I don't take public transit that often (I know I should) and so if I have to fumble for change and hold up your life, than I apologize. But if you were really concerned about the public good, and keeping things moving along maybe you wouldn't bark into the microphone and scrutinize every nickel what I paid. Oh, and just a suggestion...smile (it helps, really it does)      

10) Ikea Queensway - how can I hate you guys? - your $2 Swedish meatballs, your quick checkouts, spacious parking lots, your neat little Vika desks and Expedit book cases (very tough to screw together however) have taken the clutter away from my life. Outside of some gruff people on your 2nd floor....you are the perfect store...except when it comes to looking for a mere clock! I'm like a mouse in maze sniffing for the Allan-key made cheese and trying to find the best possible route from the entrance to the checkout. I simply can't do it. Do I have to walk past all your Nordic expansiveness when what I really need is a secret alley to where I want to go? Please help...it's been 3 days and I'm still stuck in your Angemar bed section.

11) She Said Boom on Roncesvelles - I know I'm supposed to like you because you are the indie, grassroots record shop that is keeping independent retail, inner city neioghbourhoods and  the full record CD alive, but I don't. I think  you're pompous and just because I wear a tie into your store, doesn't mean I'm repressing the poor. Get a life...and some perspective. I do however like your neighbours Set Me Free, Queen of Tarts (coolest gingerbread men in town) Buddha Dog, Silver Spoon and  Bravo Gelato. if you want good and legit "John Cusack in High Fidelity" record shops who don't make you feel like scum, Go here or here.

Ok, quickly the good examples:
- Starbucks baristas - 98% of you are the most pleasant beings in the world - extra points for the Kingsway location, always a good smile and conversation. By the way, even your drive thru people are good to talk to - is there some happiness vitamin Howard Schultz has invented? - (in contrast, see point #2 above)
- Vincenzo Barber's shop on Jane- if there is a $16 haricut that's better and more comfortable in the city, well i don't know of it - keep the full $20 Vincenzo, you know you deserve it and more.
- Kiehl's - your free sachet inspiration is one of those small aesthetic joys I get to experience at least 2 1/2 times over when i get back to my home and thanks again for letting me opt out of your email
- The Flower Room on Annette - thanks for helping me pick out the good arrangements on X holidays, you make my gift giving simpler and very cool delivery motorcycle too.
- Mike Ptaszek Automotive on Jane - even though, you always talk about getting out of the business, you know you like fixing cars and where would I go without you? Thanks for your candour and keeping me on the road.   
- Remarkable Bean in the Beaches - despite nearly losing $8 because you gave me back less change, I would have enjoyed it because you 're just so damn happy
- Sunset Grill ladies on Bloor West  - beyond great greasy, hangover remedy food, you are another potent reason why people line up outside on Saturday mornings. Heaven must be a place where you serve me all-day breakfasts in perpetuity.
- Artisano and San Remo - what were we thinking with the Atkins diet? - You make bread and lunches sing.
- Airport limousine drivers - to 90% of you, you are some of the nicer guys around - thanks for waiting for me to get my suitcase out the front door, going faster when I really needed it and keeping me up to speed with what's going on in the city
- The Galway Arms and P.J. O'Brien's - thanks for sustaining my love of Guinness,  hosting some great events, having a quick witted opinion, being my dad's local (even though he drives across the city),  having a fair maiden's smile and the gift of blarney
- and of course, my standbys - Whole Foods, Mountain Equipment Coop, Fresh, Nicholas Hoare and lululemon - mostly its your concept, product and store, but your staff are nice enough too.

How 'bout your own tales from the customer service crypt and treasure chest? Confess, it feels good...